Sense.

A candle from Candle Land that radiates a smell of Christmas Eve is sitting on the floor with a basket of yarn and knitting needles close by, the fan is on its lowest speed as an electric blanket is used to balance out the temperature, and I sit here accompanied by relaxation and realization.

I remember sitting in my mamaw's living room watching a candle flicker in the wind of the ceiling fan and putting my hand a bit too close for comfort, waiting to jerk away at the temperature. My mamaw wouldn't buy a candle for decoration unless it was strictly for decoration, not pleasure and comfort. I don't remember a smell besides that of wax, yet I don't remember a feeling besides that of comfort - even when nearly burning myself. After jerking my hand away and glaring at the dancing flame, I would blow it out slowly, letting it shrivel and then vanish magically, before I dipped my finger into the hot wax. Letting it mold my fingertip, the wax was hot and uncomfortable, yet simultaneously amazing. Cracking the wax when bending my finger would let it all fall, but leave a slimy residue behind.

These were moments that I was in wonder of senses and felt as alive and "dangerous" as a six-year-old could feel. Now when I feel alive and "dangerous" I speed a little bit or skip homework. Things change with age. As a child we are full of wonder and curiosity, yet as an adult we are full of monotony and generalizations.

Infants are a prime example of everything we lack and everything we should be. They are learning what truly matters: seeing, feeling, smelling, tasting, and hearing. One bird may sing, yet another may also and sound completely different. Rain drops are not droplets of water falling from clouds because of a scientific process; rain drops are wet, sticky things that hit your face and arms while sending a shiver down your back. A leaf is a wondrous, bright, vivacious, and magical, and each one has its own peculiar individuality. Everything is extraordinary, not mundane.

Somewhere within the countless seconds lived there was a moment we lost our ability to wonder and imagine. Somehow we let that moment happen.

Why?

xo,
hk

PS. HAPPY THANKSGIVING, ALL! :)
I hope you all had a lovely day!

Listen:

String

Single moments and single objects seem to go hand and hand all of the sudden. I see an inanimate object, I also see a crystal clear memory from another lifetime. I can't go a day without disbelief that I am not in one of these vital seconds in time, for the vivid sensations seem to haunt me throughout.

Milestones are particular and peculiar for every human being. Some may count only the cliches, such as losing a first tooth or turning sixteen and gaining their license. Others may seem to count individual experiences as "milestones" in their lives.

When I do things such as going to the doctor or the hospital (and I have done both this week) I remember times when that experience was almost mundane. I went in for a mere bug this week, but when walking in and seeing the automatic doors and the windows I remembered a time when I went for blood tests a couple times a month.
When I see Rice Krispies, I see Katherine's living room and the television screen as I'm playing My Sims in between naps.
When I see my sixteenth birthday party tiara (...yeah, tiara), I remember being pleasantly surprised to see Chase.
When seeing Mel sleep on my bed, I remember reading a note from my mother while I sat on my bed in the hospital this past spring. She told me that Mel was sleeping in front of my door, waiting for me to come home.

It seems usual, but unusual. I will always remember overall events and experiences, but the tiny things are hardly ever relived. They now loom over me and taunt me with mistakes and regrets; however, knowing that these mistakes and regrets led me to today steadies my head and reassures me of lessons learned.

Not everything will be so difficult, for now I am having the best moments I have had in aeons. Moments now seem so much more special and significant, for they make up everything inside of the universe and every fragment of our existence. Some day I will look back at stuffed animals or a Yankee candle, dresses or a key chain, and I will reminisce with a smile and maybe a laugh.

This is life.
Events and objects that construct the human memory and tailor our perspective.

xo,
hk

Octopus

It's been a long time since I've had so much fun, laughed so hard, and spent a whole week away from home with those I love. We've seemed to climb mountains figuratively and literally these past couple of months, and yet all I can now do is be happy to have these people next to me. It's quite the anomaly that we can go from mere acquaintances/friends to best friends and even more in such a short time. I've never been so comfortable with some people, yet now it's so normal to be myself I can't help but smile.

I just got home from a five or six day stay in the mountains with Dani, Katherine, Jacob, and Darin. We went to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for Fall Break (yes, we get that;) and I can't wait until we go somewhere again.
I really can't describe it all in words, but I have plenty of pictures...


Our cabin :)


I think we like to stuff each other into things and take pictures. What do you think?


And look scared.



And take couple pictures.
(ahem...couple?!?!)





The creepy cabin next door.




I'm really not sure?

MUDKIP!!
(mudskippers?)



Hammer head?!




JELLY!

The cutest thing I've ever seen. For real.

Nemo?!?

Hahahahahaha

At the cat house...there's a cow?
The scariest thing ever.



Us :)


Hehehehe

Us again :)



Hahha the scariest experience ever. We were out exploring by the other cabins and when we turned around to go back we saw THIS in the road about 20ft. away with nobody else around.

MAGIQUEST, FTW!
(not really, it was the lamest thing ever)



Lovely, eh?
I can only wonder WHY this person had it.


I told you there were plenty of pictures :P

I hope you all are well and happy and have all you want and need in the moment :)

xo,
hk

Listen:

All of These Moments Just Might Find Their Way Into My Dreams Tonight

Camp out?!?
September 12, 2o09


ZOO?!?
September 19, 2009

Biaggi's?!?!?!???!?!!?
September 25, 2009

Things are oddly sweet, yet changing rapidly.
Some days you wake up and the night before seems like years ago, and you can't keep track of time as it flies past you in a strange blur. Nothing is the same as it was exactly a month ago today, or even yesterday or last week. We aren't the same people, although we have the same faces. We've grown in a way that we shouldn't have had to, but did.
Without each other we would all be lost.

That's why we party every weekend and do really random things?
I suppose.

xo,
hk

Updates and Stuff

Things that are happening:

1. I'm becoming close to people that I never really thought I would be close to. I'm with a group of about 10-12 people constantly, which is an absolute phenomenon. I've reconnected with people I haven't been close to since middle school because of what has happened, which makes everything a tad bittersweet. I honestly cannot see my life without these people in it, yet I'm always afraid of losing another.

2. I was elected secretary of my Junior class, which really isn't that much of an accomplishment since I wasn't running against anyone. However, I did run, and that is an accomplishment all its own.
Katherine was elected president; we really wish to do something this year.

3. I'm writing an article for the school newspaper about Chase with most of my friends. It's not an ordinary article, for we all wrote something individually, such as a memory or simply how we're feeling about everything and Chase himself, and I'm just going to keep it separate like that.


As I said a few posts back before all of this happened, things come and go in cycles. Eventually you reach this full circle point, which is what we all wait for.


I truly do hope you are all happy and well :)
The most important thing I have learned within the past two weeks is that the people around you, no matter how far away in body or spirit, should never be taken for granted.
You, my loves, mean so much to me!

I hope you all have a wondrous week.
:)

xo,
hk

Listen:

Something That Changes Everything

I think it's time for me to write this, yet I still don't know how. It's been over a week already, yet the words still don't make any sense.
He's gone.

Last Saturday, August 29, 2009, there was a car wreck on an old country road.
You all may know of my best friends, referred to as the "Fab. Five". We consist of Katherine, Jacob, Barrett, me, and Chase. On that day, Chase was in a car wreck. It wasn't just any accident, although I wish every day since that it was. A head-on collision with a drunk driver killed our brother, our Chase.

That night I was out with a friend, for I'd just gotten my license the day before and we were taking advantage of it. I was invited to my friend Katie's going away party, since she was leaving the next Friday for Washington DC. However, since I'd already made plans I wasn't able to make it. Every one of her close friends was going to be there, including Chase.
From the pictures I've seen, they had so much fun. I'm so glad, too.
When Chase was leaving, he was doing everything right. He called his mom when his girlfriend, Tiffany, had left to tell them he would be home in an hour. That was around 7:30PM.

He left right in time to be able to get home when he said he would be. He was going the speed limit, staying in his lane, and had his seat belt on. However, the driver of the other car was doing everything wrong.
It happened at around 8:30PM.

I can't even imagine how it was for his friends to hear the sirens so close by.

My mom called me at around 10:00PM to come home when I was still out with my friend; at first I thought it was my grandfather, which I felt like I knew I could handle. However, with how shaky and full of tears her voice was I had a gut feeling it was so much worse. When I was dropping Jordan off I received a text from Maidra. She asked me if I was okay. That's when I knew it was more than what I thought. I then thought it was Maggie.
Once I returned home I sucked it up and nervously stepped inside. My parents told me to come closer, but I refused and told them to tell me right then.

All they had to say was his name. I knew.
I let out a scream of horror before the tears came, then escaped my parents' clinging embrace and went into my room. I kept getting texts and couldn't take it anymore. I decided to go to sleep; then Katherine called asking if I would come over. Jacob, Barrett, Daniel, and Katherine were all there. We all grew up with Chase and needed to be together.
I made my dad take me even though it was close to midnight.

----------

I hadn't been as close to him lately as I wish I had been, but we were beginning to get so close once more. Since the sixth grade, when we were just entering middle school, we have been just like siblings. Nothing will ever take away that time. It's in our minds and our memories forever.






The night I will always remember the most. August 28, 2009; the night we were all together.

Chase Ryan Trent was perfect, and I never, ever use that word lightly. He was more than perfect academically and athletically, but he was also beyond perfect in his heart. I can't remember a bad thing about him; even the fact that he was a ladies' man makes me smile, for it wasn't ever in a bad way. He would always joke around and call us "dumb" or "epic fails" or, one of my favorites, "whores." He always made us laugh and smile, even when we weren't in the mood for any of that.
He was beyond special.

----------

I will always remember this. I cannot ever forget this. Or him.

Just like it said in the funeral program, he was like a ripple in the water, influencing everything and everyone around him.I wish you all could have known him. I wish everyone could have known him.
Nobody seems to be complete without having his light in their lives now.

I really don't know what to say. I loved Chase and always will. Please, please, please keep his parents in your prayers. Even if you aren't one for praying, please do so.

I love you all. I miss you all. I'm sorry I haven't been around much, but just know that I haven't forgotten you at all. Each and every one of you have been the best since I have met you.

xo,
hk

PS. Sorry for the mess of this. There's so much I want to say, but I still don't know how to say it. There will be a day when I can re-write this and honor him in a way that is extraordinary, but right now I simply don't have it in me. I just knew it was about time.

Listen:

Full Circle

It truly does amaze me how life comes and goes in circles. Just like a leaf may be covered by beads of snow in the dead of winter, a floral painting may be submerged once more in the rebirth of spring. The more ordinary of things seem to become the most extraordinary once the clock seems to start once more in its rhythmic ticking and tocking, even if the second hand seems to drift backwards as you focus in on it.

Time seems to be the topic of late, hasn't it? It is a constant in our world, so I must say that I cannot help but take advantage of it.

When time feels wasted, we feel wasted. When time feels fictitious, we feel fictitious. When time feels insignificant, we feel insignificant.

This isn't life. Life isn't this.

If you all know how I think and how I feel (and it's quite likely that you all do), then you all know that I am quite in wonder of life. I probably don't go out much and I probably don't even go outside as much as I should, but I always think.

Yesterday two significant things happened to me that caught my interest:

1. In my science class my teacher called me out because I was being "too quiet" when he was asking if we wanted to go outside and do an activity. He was going to ask the class if we wanted to go outside, but then he looked at me and said I didn't look like I wanted to go.
The truth was that I would have loved to, but I was thinking about Archimedes (don't ask), and answered "no".
(My teachers all think I'm SO peculiar because I'm always deep in thought about something like that; I suppose I look really distant or something because they give me weird looks and ask me if I'm okay? I think it's pretty funny, because if I told them what I was REALLY thinking about they would definitely give me strange looks)

2. After going driving last night my dad wanted to go feed his horse. We went out to the stables and when we got there I took a look around since I'd only been there once before. I went and peeked inside a few stables, smelled the fresh and musty scent of the feed and all else, and then drifted outside to check out the area.
That is what truly caught my eye. It's been so long since I've been able to go outside and merely absorb my surroundings, but last night I did so for just a few minutes. The sun was setting, the air was just right, and I realized that this obscure place was possibly the most beautiful sight in our entire town. Not only because it was pretty, but because it was nature in its simplest form. There was work in the air, sounds of tiny insects flying about, and glorious moments being materialized continuously.
It was absolutely lovely.

This is what makes time significant and real: experiences that may be awkward or enlightening yet leave a mark.
I suppose that even if we don't have time to make time for what we wish, we should always remember these tiny events that mean so much. They are what will keep us going.

xo,
hk

PS. School's getting a bit better (I hope I didn't just jinx myself - I probably did). I'm probably getting a bit used to the shock of AP classes, but I think I still need a couple of weeks :P
How are you all? I feel like I'm COMPLETELY out of the loop! I feel awful and I miss you all so, so much!!
I hope you all are well :D!

Listen: